SexEd
by InoSakuShine
Summary: Welcome to Jiriaya's all-important sex-ed class. No, really. It's very necessary. Even if his students don't seem to think so.
1. This Is Not A Joke

Author's Note:

Yeah, I guess I just got in the mood for writing something a little more light and comical...

**Warning:** Although this is rated T, some parts are a little more mature. I didn't think I had to make it reated M, because there's definetly nothing explicit, but obviously some suggestive themes. I mean, look at the title!

Pairings? Nothing too major. Things to look out for would be SasuSaku, NaruHina, NejiTen, InoKiba, but I'm not in a rush to pair them all off straight away, and such.

* * *

**Sex-Ed**

**Chapter One: This Is Not A Joke**

It was around mid-afternoon, and there were only two people in Tsuande's office. Everyone else was smart enough to steer clear of it today, and they had a good reason, too.

"Well... " Tsunade shrugged. "_Thanks. _For volunteering to teach the class, since you believe it to be such an important subject-" The man before her nodded his head vigorously, a wide grin plastered on his face.

"But I do! And it is! See, how would the young shinobi of today survive if we didn't teach them-"

"_Enough_, Jiraiya!" Tsuande said, putting a finger to her lips. "You have to understand that this-this _class_ is only educational, which means no excess information should be shared unless necassary." The Hokage wasn't sure Jiraiya knew the line between _necessary_ and _excess_. But hey, it wasn't her job to find out, now was it?

Jiraiya waved a large hand in front of her. "I know, I know. Hey, I don't mean to brag but I'd like to call myself an expert!" Tsuande glared. "It's a job, and _somebody_ has to do it."

The woman shook her head, and Jiraiya rubbed his hand together.

"Come tommorow, Jiraiya's _sex ed _class begins!" He laughed.

* * *

The classroom was almost full, full of _young, youthful, innocent_ shinobi, Jiriaya thought. This was going to be fun. Standing at the head of the class with his hands clasped behind his back, he drew in a deep breath and-

A hand thrust in the air and a voice rang out.

"_Why_ are we here?" asked Naruto. The students around him nodded their heads-that is, Sakura, Sasuke, Tenten, Lee, Neji, Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, and Hinata.

Jiraiya snorted. "What do you mean why are you here? Unless... Don't tell me. Your senseis didn't tell you?" He watched as they all unanimously shook their heads, and burst out laughing. "Of course. Why did I think they would?"

A certain impatient blonde blurted, "Yeah, yeah, pervy-sage, now tell us why we're here!" Jiraiya crossed his arms, and turned to the chalk board behind him. After a few scribbles, he suddenly whipped back around and stretched out his arms.

"Dun-da-da-dun-dun-da-DUNNN! Welcome to _sex-ed _class! With _yours truly_!" he giggled.

". . . . . . . . ."

Jiraiya looked around, and saw some faces with jaws slightly open. Other than that, everyone pretty much looked exactly the same.

"This is not a joke," he said simply.

Then a riot broke out. Shikamaru and Neji got to their feet and headed towards the door, and Sasuke was not far behind. Jiraiya stepped in front of the door, and Choji was busy trying to pry open some sealed windows. Kiba and Ino hopped up from their desks in the back and grabbed seats in the front. Hinata was fiddling her thumbs rapidly, and looked on the verge of tears. Sakura buried her head in her hands and silently cursed Kakashi while Naruto looked confused.

"What's that?" asked Naruto. Sakura looked up from her string of curses.

"What's what?"'

"Sex-ed?" Sakura sighed.

"_Sex_ education?"

"Ahh." Naruto nodded. "Like... what?" Sakura glared.

"You know... Oh, God. Tell me you know what sex is!"

"I know what sex is!" the blonde proclaimed, and Sakura looked at him smugly. "Well... I have an idea... I just don't know the details."

"And that's why you're here!" Jiraiya added loudly, clasping his hands together. "You'll see it can be fun!" Sakura banged her head on the desk.

"This is _so_ inappropriate," she groaned.

"Alright, class, sit down! I said SIT DOWN!" Jiraiya commanded, frocing the others back to their seat. The man scanned the seating arrangment and waved a finger. "This won't do... it has to go boy-girl-boy. Everyone line up down here." With many moans of protest, the class shuffled down the aisles into a line against the chalkboard.

That's it for the first chapter. What did you think? Funny? Stupid? Well, I thought it was alright. If the ending seems cut off, that's 'cause it is. I originally planned a long-ass one-shot but I decided chapters would be better. So I had to make little insicions in the story, sorry.

R&R .


	2. Ice Breaker

**Author's Note**: We're back! Judging by the feedback I got, it seems like y'all haven't seen enough to decide if you'll like this or not. That being said, here's a warning:

It's only gonna get creepier.

* * *

**SexEd**

**Chapter Two: Ice Breaker**

"Alright, class, sit down! I said SIT DOWN!" Jiraiya commanded, frocing the others back to their seat. The man scanned the seating arrangment and waved a finger. "This won't do... it has to go boy-girl-boy. Everyone line up down here." With many moans of protest, the class shuffled down the aisles into a line against the chalkboard.

"Alright... In the front there-Kiba, then that blondie... Ino? Yeah, Ino. And then... Shino. Behind them I want Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto. Over on that side... how about Neji, Hinata, and Lee. In the back-Shikamaru, Tenten, then the fat one.

A few awkward, angry minutes later, with a couple cries of "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE CALLING FAT!?"

"No, I meant _big boned_!"

"That's not what you said!"

"What I meant was _thick_-"

-And they eventually settled in their new seats. Looking uncomfortable.

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "Now, we're going to do an ice breaker exercise to start. I want all the guys on this side to the room to look to their left, and all guys on that side to look to their right. Examine your female friends and-"

"OW!" a huge bump sprouted on Naruto's head, and Sakura's fist was raised and poised to strike again.

"Never mind! Never mind!" Jiraiya said. "How about we just go around them room, and say your favorite thing about the opposite sex. Come on, don't be shy. Believe me this is all relevant. We'll start with you." He pointed a large finger in front of him.

"Me?" asked Ino, and he nodded. "Okay, well... my favorite thing-"

"Or turn-on," Jiraiya added.

"_Ahem_. My favorite part of a boy would be... " she smiled. "His cold, dark eyes. And his mysterious aura. And that HOT body... _uh_! That stomach... " Everyone turned to stare at Sasuke, who was trying to keep himself from turning pink. "And-"

"Alright, alright, next!" Jiraiya said.

"What's that notepad for?" Asked Sakura, who noticed the little notebook he was scribbling in.

"Um.. just to remember things about you and... don't mind it!" the man answered hastily. "How about you Sakura?"

"Oh... um," she appeared to think for a moment. "I guess their smile." Someone coughed violently, and it sounded like the word "Cheesy!" and "Cliche!"

"But Sasuke doesn't even smile!" blurted Naruto, and Sakura glared.

"See? We already learned something today. The minds to women make no sense," Jiraiya said. "Next-let's just accomplish all the girls. Hinata, what about you?" All eyes turned to the girl in question, who turned beat red.

"I-I-I g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-guess t-th-t-th-that I... I... I... I l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-li-like-"

"Spit it out girl!"

"Personality! You know, like the way that people stand up for themselves when others put them down and they stick to what they know is right! Even though everyone looks down upon them they prove that they're wrong!" Hinata burst out. Jiraiya blinked.

"Right. Okay, you there, with the cool-looking buns." Ino pointed to herself. "_In your hair_."

"Me?" said Tenten. "I like a guy that's strong."

"Typical." He turned away. "Okay guys! Heh heh, tell me... Naruto. What do you like the most about girls? The curvy shape, the-"

"Eyes," Naruto said simple. Hinata's heart melted a little.

"Eyes?"

"Yeah," said Naruto. "Eyes." Jiraiya sighed.

"Come on, boy. When will you ever grow up? Come talk to me when you become a man. What about you, Kiba? What do you like."

"Hips," Kiba grinned.

"There we go," he said, giving the thumbs up. Others nodded in agreement!

"Ugh! Boys!" Tenten said disapprovingly, partly because Kiba was howling, and partly because she didn't have hips.

"Chouji, How about you?!" asked Jiraiya, who was apparently on a roll.

"Lips!" the boy said.

"Ahh, poetry. Okay, you, the quiet one. Shino, is it? How about you?"

No answer.

"Or do you go the other way?"

Shino's dark glasses gleamed. "I like bugs."

"..."

Jiraiya coughed and turned to Lee. He took one look at him and turned to Neji.

"How about you?" Neji crossed his arms and looked down.

"I prefer... a _quiet _woman." The class pondered his statement-even Jiraiya was confused. Then a light bulb clicked over his head.

"Ohhh, in bed. I got cha," he said, pleased. Neji 'pffed' and glared.

"I didn't say that. I said a quiet woman. Just quiet."

"Like, doesn't talk?" asked Kiba.

"Yes. They're less annoying that way," he stated, and Tenten growled and said something under her breath that sounded like 'asshole!' Kiba gasped.

"I knew it! I knew you had the hots for Hinata! She's your _cousin_!"

"What? No! I never said that-" Neji started but Jiraiya threw up his hands and ushered silence.

"Enough, you two. Neji's sexual preferences are to be respected. Everyone is to be respected, no mattter how abnormal, ordinary, or kinky they are. We're not here to judge people, we're here to learn! And lastly, Shikamaru. What do you like?"

"Intelligence," Shikamaru said simply and shrugged. And after that Ino sulked.

"Excellent ice-breaker! See how much you've leared about eachother already?" said Jiraiya, stuffing away his little notebook. "Now we get to the good stuff. So. Sex-"

A fist thrust into the air. "What's sex, exactly?" asked Naruto.

Sorry, another obvious cut-off.

So... What did you think? Did it amuse you... or annoy you? Reviews appreciated!


	3. Oh Baby!

**Author's Note:**_ I'M MY OWN WORST PET-PEEVE!_

Talk about horrible formatting! Why did one of you reviewers tell me, "Hey! How about using some indents?" Well, I tried spacing, that didn't work. Neither does the tab key!! I'm going to try to fix this problem so the fic is easier to read...

Sorry about that. Feel free to point out my mistakes!

* * *

**Chapter Three:**

**Oh Baby!**

"Excellent ice-breaker! See how much you've learned about each other already?" said Jiraiya, stuffing away his little notebook. "Now we get to the good stuff. So. Sex-"

A fist thrust into the air. "What's sex, exactly?" asked Naruto.

". . . . Are you serious?" Sasuke muttered, shooting him an exasperated look. Jiraiya's face dropped and everyone began to giggle at Naruto's stupidity.

"C'mon kid! It's elementary! Does anybody care to volunteer to explain to Naruto what sex is?" An uncertain silence hung in the air as Naruto crossed his arms.

Tiny sounds were coming from the corner. Kiba and Neji were staring at Hinata in disbelief, who was pushing her fingers together dolefully and making the sounds in her throat, calling attention. The poor girl swallowed-hard.

__

I'll help Naruto! I'll prove to him that I don't just shrink into the background!

Hinata cleared her throat again.

"W-well, s-sex is... when t-two people love each other very much-"

"Wrong!" Interrupted Jiriaya. "Don't you kids know anything? Ninety-two percent of the time love doesn't have anything to do with it!"

"Yeah," Ino joined in expertly. "It's just that both people have to _want_ it." She crossed her arms and smiled smugly. Jiraiya made a skeptical noise.

"Wrong again. Honestly speaking only one person has to want it but... " He trailed off after seeing the stricken look on his young students faces. "Um, let's brainstorm to get a good idea of the topic, without scarring you for life." He marched over to the black board and picked up a piece of chalk. "Come on, throw some words out!"

He wrote down everything he heard. By the end of the brainstorm, the chalkboard was covered. It said:

'How babies are made.'

'Fun.'

'What all men want.'

'No clothes.'

'Reproduce.'

'Toys.'

'Safe sex.'

'Fun.'

'Troublesome.'

'Fun.'

'What Sakura wants to do with Sasuke.'

'What Sasuke does not want to do with Sakura.'

'What Sakura thinks Sasuke wants to secretly do with her.'

'Sakura I DO NOT want to do THAT with YOU!'

'What Naruto would be more than willing to do with Sakura... you know, if she wants. And if they learn how in this class.'

"Okay, that's enough," said Jiraiya, stepping back to examine their work. He stroked his chin, calmly gazing at the bored. Then, he shook his head and proceeded to scribble on their brainstorm, stepped back, and examined his work.

Every single suggestion was crossed out except for "Fun," "How babies are made," and "What Sakura wants to do with Sasuke."

"These are some of the correct answers," announced Jiraiya. "So, do you have an idea now, Naruto?"

The said boy squinted at the board, and asked, "How come 'What Sasuke does not want to do with Sakura' isn't up there?" Sasuke nodded in agreement and scowled.

"Ahh, good question. Because he _does_, or at least he _will _eventually. Which brings us to our next lesson about hormones!"

"I do not!" Sasuke protested with a glare, but he was ignored. Jiriaya was going on by weird things like estrogen, testosterone, and other uncomfortable words that made Hinata squirm.

"Yes, so some of us have more than other... some of us have less," Jiriaya said with a small smile.

"Not pointing any elbows!" Kiba said loudly, shoving his elbow in Shino's direction, who glared behind his cool sunglasses.

"And when you let these hormones take control of you, there are... " Jiriaya sighed. "This is the part Tsunade wants me to emphasize so here it is. There are consequences for your actions!" His deadly tone reverberated through the room.

There was tension in the air.

"It only takes one time," Jiriaya said menacingly. "And you life as you know it... **is over**."

Naruto gulped, and some of the others began perspiring. _What in the world is he talking about?_ Jiraiya planted his hands on his hips.

"What do you mean?" cried Tenten.

"So you want to know what happens when you're reckless... " He turned around and walked to the desk that stood in front of the chalkboard. He grabbed something under it-a huge, lumpy sac. "ARGHH!" he cried and threw it at them.

A torrential down pour of plastic baby dolls came raining down on them. The girls instinctively caught their plastic infants, while the boys watched wide-eyes as the freaky things smashed off their desks.

"Children! For you first class assignment, you and your designated partner will take care of your baby for a while day! Sounds easy, doesn't it?" All at once, the babies began to cry, whine, and squirm. Jiriaya took what looked like a remote control from his pocket, and clicked a button that stopped the infants.

"This is ridiculous!" said Kiba, poking his baby.

" Partners..." said Jiriaya thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose there aren't enough females to go around, so some of you will have to face even more hardship and have a same-sex relationship. Oh well. Let's start... **Neji and Tenten**, that's one. **Naruto and Hinata** can be another lucky couple..."

An artery in Hinata's heart nearly burst open.

"**Sasuke, and Sakura**. **Ino, Kiba**. And now we'll have to go gay..." Jiraiya explained thoughtfully. "That means Shino and Choji, Shikamaru and Lee."

Shikamaru banged his head his desk. "You can't force us to... to..."

"But Master Jiraiya!" burst out Lee. "I thought a flower could only be de-blossomed by pollun of the opposite gender!" THe man scratched his head.

"Enough of your flower similies, first off. Secondly... I suppose you're right. The rest of you will be excused from the assingment." An outbreak of cheers and protest rang in the sage's ears.

"Not fair!" said Ino. "I have to be with dog-breath here, but Shikamaru and Choji don't have to do it at all!" The white haired man put a finger to his lips and eventually the chaos died down.

"Yes, that's because they will be writing an elaborate essay on what they learned so far in _sex ed_ class," said Jiriaya. "No more protests, just do as I say or I'll fail you all." With a satisfied grin, he watched his class full of students glare up at him with ill intent. "Now, get with your partners and give your child a name. Those of you who can't participate in this special traning, move to the back of the class and I'll get you started on that... _essay..." _He giggled and rallied half of the class to the back of the room.

Meanwhile, Naruto reluctantly left Sasuke to Sakura and met Hinata.

"So Sasuke! What should we name him?" asked Sakura enthusiastically, cradling the thing, whereas Sasuke looked repulsed.

"This is idiotic," he said shortly.

"Come on, you _have_ to participate. You heard Jiraiya, it's _required."_

"I didn't hear him say that." Sakura sighed and turned to her partner.

"It doesn't matter. This is practice for when you revive your clan! I'll call him Sasuke Jr." Sasuke leaner over his desk as he coughed; something got caught in his throat.

"No, you won't," he said, ignoring Sakura's glare. She began rocking him faster.

"Yes, I will. Sasuke Jr... " She began humming lightly.

"Why don't you name it-"

"_Him_."

"-That _thing_ something else that doesn't involve me."

"You mean... you mean you don't want to be part of our baby's life?"

"... Sakura, it's a doll."

"You're just going to walk away from it... Just like you walk away from me," She said angrily, her voice begining to quiver. Sasuke raised his eyebrows.

"But it's just a doll."

She averted his gaze and gently rocked the sleeping doll.

"A baby... Eh, I don't know about things like this!" said Naruto, holding the baby with one hand, by it's foot. The dangling doll began to whimper. "Where's the battery on this thing?!" Hinata, who had been on the verge of fainting because she was THAT close to him, held out her hands and took the baby from him.

"I-I think you're supposed to hold it likes this," she said, and cradled the baby to her chest. Immediately, it stopped whining.

"Woah Hinata! You're amazing!" Naruto said, grinning. "This is gonna be a piece of cake-" He was interrupted with the piercing screams of another doll. They both looked over their shoulders and watched as Sakura and Sasuke's baby cried loudly while they argued over it. "Poor Sakura, getting stuck with _Sasuke."_

Hinata was eager to divert his attention away from Sakura. "I'm sure you'll make a great father," she said randomly. Naruto blinked.

"Hehe, thanks. What do you want to name him?"

"Um... How about... Nariko?"

"Hmm.. that sounds alright!" Hinata breathed a sigh of relief.

"So, what should I name her?" asked Ino, contemplating over the baby. Kiba frowned.

"You mean, what should _we _name _him_?" he asked. Ino froze, and her eyes were as cold as ice when she gave him the "look." Kiba winced.

"_Her_."

"... Alright, but all three of us have to agree on a name." Kiba said, putting his foot down. Ino snorted.

"Wait, three of us?"

Kiba blinked. "Yeah, me, you, and Akamaru." She burst out into high pitched laughter. "What?"

"Akamaru?" She repeated mockingly. "It's jusrt a dog, Kiba-"

"Don't you insult Akamaru!" Ino suddenly stood up, bearing over them.

"You don't tell me! This is our daughter! Not your dogs, and if you're going to put Akamaru before your own daughter than you might as well just leave!"

"Alright, don't make a scene!" the defeated boy mumbled, petting his dog. Ino sat back down and began rocking her baby. "So, what should _we_ name her?" Kiba smiled sheepishly at the gesture. "I was thinking something like Asuka."

"Yeah, I like that." Akamaru barked in agreement.

Neji and Tenten both stared at the plastic baby resting on the desk before them. Hesitantly, Neji picked up the fake infant.

"This is ridiculous," Tenten said. Neji shrugged.

"I suppose caring for this child is nessacary in order to pass this assignment."

"Does that mean it needs a name?" asked Tenten, watching the thing. Neji shrugged.

"I don't see why it should."

"Alright... "

"Hullo!"

She jerked her head up, and the class turned it's attention towards Jiraiya, who had made his sudden appearance near the door of the classroom.

"Attention, attention!" he called idly, beaming. Naruto cast a look over his shoulder to see how far the others had gotten. All he saw was Shikamaru, Choji, Shino, and Lee turned bright red, shaking, hunched over their essays. A pile of broken pencils were scattered all over the table at which they sat.

__

They look like wrecks,

Naruto noted. _I rather write a stupid essay than do this... Too bad I'm illiterate._ He sighed deeply, and rested his chin on his hand.

_ ...And if only I knew what illiterate meant._

Class is over!" Jiriaya annouced loudly, still grinning. Because the class so far had been, at least in his proud opinion, a success so far. But it had only begun... "And don't forget your homework!"

"Homework!?" His students cried indignantly.

"Yes, take those babies home with you! And don't think about cheating... These are high-tech dolls, I assure you. They're designed to test your parenting skills. Both parents, _together._ That means you have to spend a minimum of a few hours together with you child! Until next class, that is. Which is tommorow. So.. yeah, see ya!" With that he skipped out the door.

An enraged Ino jumped to her feet. "Hi-tech babies?! Where does he get all this free time!?"

There were grumbled of agreement, and soon everyone shuffled out, with their partners, of course. Family time was about to begin...

Longer, huh? I'm sorry, will someone please tell me how to tab this thing!

Oh, and comment on the story. You won't believe what I have in store for later chapters...


	4. What It's All About

Author's Note: I give up on the formatting. Whatever, it's not that bad.

I'd love more reviews before I become discouraged... Please!

* * *

****

Sex-ed

Chapter Four: What It's All About

An enraged Ino jumped to her feet. "Hi-tech babies?! Where does he get all this free time!?"

There were grumbled of agreement, and soon everyone shuffled out, with their partners, of course. Family time was about to begin...

"Sasuke!" Sakura called, chasing after the said boy. "What!" She held their darling baby in two hand over her head, chasing the dark haired boy down the street. She finally caught up to his quick pace, and fell into step behind him. "_Come on. We_ have to spend time with Sasuke Jr. together, or else we'll fail! I've never failed a class... Just for a few hours. Come on, before it gets dark-"

"Alright!" he snapped, tired of her blabbering. "But stop calling him that." He stopped, and they stood in the middle of the street.

"Let's sit over here," Sakura said, motioning to a bench perfectly positioned under a nice lavender tree. Sasuke rolled his eyes and reluctantly joined her on the bench. The girl bounced the baby on her knees...

"HAHAHAHA!"

The evil, maniacal sound echoed over the tree tops of the village. It was coming from the roof of a particularly tall and quiet building.

"This is great," Jiraiya said, taking a seat on the roof. He rummaged in his pocket and took out what appeared to be a remote control with a screen. "I love technology... I guess it's time to see how my students are holding up. And give them a little test while I'm at it... "

He pushed a little button on the remote, and a green screen activated. He punched in number two, and on the screen flashed.

_B a b y n u m b e r o n e a c t i v a t e d. W h a t i s y o u r c o m m a n d?_

"Listen," said Jiraiya. The remote's speak made a fizzling sound, and soon two familiar voices reached his ears.

"You're always so cold!" he heard Sakura say, her voice raising. "Would it kill you to show a little empathy now and then?"

"I don't need to explain myself to _you_," Sasuke snapped. "Maybe you should stop pretending to understand things you have no idea about."

"Maybe I have no idea because you won't tell me!"

Jiraiya shook his head. "Uh-oh. This can't be good for the baby. _Camera,_" He said into the remote, and it's screen flickered. The image of Sasuke and Sakura's face popped into view, a baby's eyes view. The camera shook and the plastic baby was being shaken.

"_Cry mode_," he commanded also. Suddenly, the baby began to bawl. What started out as low whimpers erupted into pathetic wails, and Jiraiya watched in satisfaction the shocked faces of his two students. "No fighting in front of the baby, punks."

"Look what you made him do!" cried Sakura, rocking it back in forth.

Sasuke stared at the little horror with murderous intent. "Is this what I'm going to have to put up with?" The baby cried louder. "Sakura, will you do something?" The pink haired girl looked at him with wonder.

__

Ding, dong.

Who could that be?

wondered Shikamaru idly as he went to get the door. As soon as he opened it, he was overcome with an urge to close it. Too bad he felt much too lethargic to even think about defying Ino as the moment. But Kiba, too? Man, this was a drag...

"Shikamaru!" Squealed Ino, jamming a foot in the door, in case he was in a feisty mood and decided to close it. Accompanying her was none other than Kiba Inuzuka.

"What is it?" the boy asked, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. Then he took a second look at the _squirming _baby in Ino's arms. "Oh... I get it."

"You do?" asked Kiba, inching forward.

"Then how come you haven't turned around and shut the door in our faces?" asked Ino.

Shikamaru smirked. "Well, you see. I have this essay to do, and I've never been good at the art of putting pen to paper. It's a drag. So... I think we can make a deal."

"That's great!" exclaimed his blonde friend. "I'm just not cut out for parenting... But writing a stupid paper. That I can do. Come on, Kiba!" She chucked the infant in Shikamaru's arms and turned to leave, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

"Wait... You don't even know what it's on. Here's the paper... " Shikamaru handed her a paper prompt, and watched as Ino and Kiba skipped joyfully away-responsibility free. He retreated to the confines of his house and set the baby on the couch. "I'm not sure why Ino thought I would actually watch you... But hey, you're not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sure that old man bugged you with some kind of monitor. So, I think it's time for a little educational TV now..."

"Ha! What an idiot!" Ino said in her high pitched voice. "I know Shikamaru, and I thought he was smarter than that! Now all we have to do is write a quick paper." They came to pass a picnic table off of the street in a nice, shady area. Deciding it looked ideal, they headed towards it.

"_We_," Kiba groaned. "I'm not that good at writing.

"Just help me, okay? What does the paper say?" Kiba scanned the prompt Jiraiya gave his extra students, and read it out loud.

"_For this essay, you are to explore the pros and cons of... sexual intercourse. State the significance in the ninja community? ..And the problems it may present? Also write a short narrative of what you interpret as... smut!?" _Ino blinked.

"Woah... Thank God I'm so sexually educated, or else we'd be screwed!" she said.

"Sexually educated? _You_. Ha, okay Ino," replied Kiba, seemingly unconvinced.

"I am! I can prove it!"

"Prove it... "

"I'll show you. Then, I'll get this paper done, since _you're _useless." She sighed, and got to her feet. "Come on. It looks like I'll have to teach you a thing or two."

Somewhere deep in the training grounds, secluded by the cluttering trees, a kunai whizzed through the air, and buries it's nose in the precise center of a target.

"Tenten. Be careful of the doll. Are you paying attention to it." The girl sighed and cast a look at the plastic baby that was sitting harmlessly under a tree, and then at Neji.

"You're really taking this seriously, aren't you?" she asked. The boy crossed his arms.

"I take all my missions seriously. I think that's the point of learning the lesson," he said neutrally. His large white eyes were devoid of any annoyance, but neither did he look pleased. Tenten retrieved the doll and stared into it's painted eyes.

"I guess you're right."

"What do babies eat?" asked Naruto, in between mouthfuls of ramen. He was spitting hot broth all over the countertop, causing the ramen shop's owner to frown even more. He was already frowning in the first place at the fact that Naruto and his lady friend brought a plastic doll to the place, and were treating it as if it were their own.

"Umm, well, milk I'm sure," replied Hinata, letting the baby doll rest on her lap.

"I thought so. But... Do you think you'll have enough to feed it?" the blond asked, stealing a glance at an area below Hinata's face. The girl flushed a shade of red.

"Oh! U-U-Um... Well, it's only p-plastic so I-I don't think it needs r-r-real milk. A-And beside, you can only do that if y-you're a real mother."

"But... You are a real mother? Oh! You mean we need a real baby for you to be a real mother. Okay, I got it." Hinata gazed at the wondrous boy as he continued to slurp his ramen.

"Yeah... " She uttered, at a loss for words.

"Can I hold Nariko?" Naruto asked. Hinata nodded furiously and held the fake baby out for the blonde to take. As the baby fell into Naruto's hands he began to set his elbow down on the counter-and instead, he misplaced it in a bowl of steaming hot ramen.

"ARGHHH! IT BURNS!" He howled and threw Nariko in order to save his poor, sizzling arm. Together, he and HInata watched in helpless horror as Nariko flew through the air and over the counter, promptly before diving head first into a big pot of boiling broth.

"Oh my God-" uttered Hinata.

"-The owner is going to kill us!" Naruto finished, and leapt to his feet. He seized Hinata's arm and tugged her away and they ran off into the setting sun.

"HAHAHA!" Jiraiya was doing his "evil" thing again. "Let's see what those other brats are up to.._.Ino, Kiba_," he said into his remote. "_Vision and sound."_ The screen flickered and put up an image. For a moment Jiraiya thought it turned into regular TV. It was...

__

BayWatch.

"Oh, that is _lame_! They got the kid watched TV... Woah, woah, woah! Is that Pamela? Hehehehh..."

And he was entertained for a little while longer.

Sakura and Sasuke were returning from special "bonding time" with Sasuke Jr. when they came two figures in the distance. Sakura squinted her eyes and with the hand that wasn't cradling little Sasuke pointed into the distance.

"Is that who I think it is?" she asked Sasuke.

"...Hn," he replied shortly, shoving his hands in his pockets. With unspoken consent they began to search for a separate street they could use in order to avoid them.

"No luck," sighed Sakura, and soon they came face to face with Naruto and Hinata.

"Hey Sakura!" Naruto's voice rang out. "...And you."

"Hey, Naruto. Hey-Hinata? What's wrong?" The sight of the shaking girl stopped her in her tracks. The poor Hyuga was teary-eyes and sniffling while Naruto had an arm around her shoulder. A vein pulsed on Sakura's forehead as she shot Naruto one of her So-help-me-if-it-was-you-I'll-kill-you looks. Naruto shifted his eyes downward to meet the gray pavement.

"Well... Hinata lost her baby. _We_ lost _our_ baby," he explained.

"What!? That's terrible, you poor thing," said the pinkette sympathetically, instinctively cradling Sasuke Jr. "What... What happened?" Hinata began to sob and Naruto shook his head.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"It was plastic," he said bluntly. Naruto shot him a desperate look that signified his understanding, but returned back to his pouting face when Sakura looked up.

"You-are-so-INCONSIDERATE! Hinata just lost her _baby_. Is that what you think of our own! How the hell would you feel!" She snapped, while Sasuke calmly took a few steps back. "It's alright, Hinata. We're going to help you through this."

"And me!" cried Naruto. "Pervy-Sage is gonna fail us once he finds out what happened!"

Sakura crossed her arms. "Okay, I know how to fix this. You just need another baby... And Ino can help us with that! She probably has one in her attic from like, forever ago. She'll fix everything. C'mon everyone, we're going to her house." With that, she hooked and arm around Sasuke's and began to watch in the opposite direction, with Hinata and Naruto at her heels.

"You better come or I'll tell Jiraiya I raised this baby as a single mother!" Sakura threatened, then added tearfully, "Just like my mother..." Sasuke only glared and wretched his arm from her grasp. At last, they reached Ino's. All the lights were off, but they knocked on the door anyway.

No answer. Hinata burst into tears again, so Naruto decided to break down the door.

They stood in front of the busted down door.

"Idiot," hissed Sasuke, and they proceeded forth.

"Ino?" called Sakura, moving into the dark house. With every foot step an eerie creek whined from below. Strange noises were coming from the hall. Hesitantly the group walked father into the house, towards the sole door where the noises were coming from. Sakura nudged Naruto first.

Then, they heard a deep voice.

__

"So! This is what sex is all about! It's friggin great!"

"..."

Sakura staggered back and covered her mouth; that voice was _definitely_ Kiba's.!

"_Told you I knew what I was talking about!"_ said a voice that couldn't be mistaken for anyone else's, but Ino's.

Sasuke twitched, and Hinata's jaw dropped slightly.

"Wait... " said Naruto. "Is Ino showing Kiba what sex is, exactly? I wanna know too!" The blonde threw open the door and pounced into the room.

"..."

"ARGHHHHH!" Sakura cringed and threw her hands over her face as Naruto ran out, tripping on the way. His feet left the ground and he barreled into Sasuke, who was already half way out the door. They both fell out of the house and down the stairs, Sasuke cursing all the way.

"You moron!" He shouted, throwing out a useless arm to help the fall, but it didn't stop them from tumbling into a confused heap. Sakura leapt over them and fell to her knees, crawling a few more inches until she began throwing up. After a few seconds, they all managed it to their feet.

"I'm done!" said Sasuke. "I'm leaving."

"I have to go take care of something," said Naruto, and Sakura shot him a suspicious look.

"I'm leaving, too. Sasuke, I'll just take... Sasuke Jr.? Sasuke Jr.? SASUKE JR.?" She screamed, looking around wildly. She darted into the house, and came back out, looking shocked.

"Don't tell me you lost it," said Sasuke.

"I didn't! I swear I had him the whole time, and if I didn't he would be in the house! MY BABY!" Naruto's brow furrowed and he went to comfort his friend.

"...Sakura," he said sympathetically, placing a hand on her shoulder. The said girl closed her eyes. "It's okay."

Suddenly they shot open and a strong wrist grabbed his arm. "YOU!" She shouted.

"What!?" He cried, trying to twist out of her grip.

"Hinata! It was her! Where is she? She stole my BABY!" Naruto's eyes widened and he held up his hands.

"B-But I don't think she'd do that!"

"Oh-ho-ho-ho! No! She lost her baby, so she stole mine! That bitch is gonna get it!" Flames were sprouting from her head.

"Sasuke! Control your pretend-wife!" begged Naruto, preparing to run.

* * *

_Updates will, unfortunately, become slower after this one. _But remember, the more reviews, the more it makes me wanna write!

And also... see that button down there? Yeah, just look down. It says 'Review'? Click it.


	5. The Lemons

**Author's Note: Hope the update didn't take too long. That's all I got to say. Enjoy.**

* * *

**Sex-Ed **

**Chapter 5: The Lemons**

"Oh-ho-ho-ho! No! She lost her baby, so she stole mine! That bitch is gonna get it!" Flames were sprouting from her head.

"Sasuke! Control your pretend-wife!" begged Naruto, preparing to run.

* * *

_Knock knock knock._

"Hey... Shikamaru?" _Grumble, grumble_.

_Knock knock knock._

"Mmm... Shikamaru." The door slowly opened and a big, round shadow slid onto the floor, the sillouhette of Chouji Akimichi. Chouji closed the door behind him and wandered into the livingroom.

"Shikamaru I need help on this stupid essay. I just don't get it. It's been bothering me so much I haven't even had time to eat... " An earth-shaking rumble sounded from his middle, whole-heartedly agreeing with the statement. He stopped once he saw Shikamaru, dozing fitfully on the couch. "You're no help." He went to sit down with his friends when he happened to see...

A plastic baby.

"Oh?" He stared down the thing for a few seconds before deiciding not to move it, and took a seat on the opposite couch. He rummaged through his coat and retrieved a pen and crumpled piece of paper.

"Let's see... I might as well start until he wakes up. What should I write...

_Before deciding to engage in any sexual act, one must realize what's a steak_

"Um, wait... I think I spelled... spelled that wrong."

_-one must realize what's at stake. They could potentially get a BBQ_

A large drop of drool splattered on the paper. "No! Not BBQ... STD. STD...So hungry..."

_So, while many guys see a hot dog and wanna be with her, they have think how many partners she's had be-_

"Hot _chick_! UGH! I'm too hungry to do this! And I can't do it with that _baby_ looking at me like that!" He stole a look at the seemingly innocent doll.

He fidgeted. "And what are _you_ looking at you..." The more Chouji seemed to stare, the more the baby began to look less like a baby and more like a nice, juicy ham. "Is that a... ?" He drew closer, salivating.

"It makes more sense Shika would fall asleep with a nice ol' ham by his side, doesn't it? I'm ... _so hungry_..."

A few minutes later, Shikamaru roused from his sleep. He slowly came to his senses and yawned. And then he saw...

"Chouji, what are you doing here? What, you just helped yourself to the fridge again, didn't you?" He rubbed his eyes and blinked at his friends, who was savagely chewing at what looked like a chicken wing, or something.

_Or Something_.

In fact, the more Shikamaru looked at it the more it seemed like a baby's arm, and less like a chicken wing. He happened to glance to his left and see the baby sitting besides him, exactly as he left it.

_Heh, that's funny,_ Shikamaru thought as he picked it up._ I thought for a minute that-_

The baby was missing an arm.

"CHOUJI!"

* * *

Jiraiya was pleased to announce, 9 am that morning, that class was back in session. The last few stragglers came in a few minutes late, and eventually everyone was in their assigned seats. Except for, the sage noticed, that quiet girl Hinata.

"GOOD MORNING!" He boomed unnecessarily, because it wasn't as if anyone was talking. Still, the volume of his voice shocked a few of the little pests into sitting upright. "I hope you all brought your babies!" He scanned the room for the plastic dolls; some looked a little worse for the wear.

"Since it was your first assignment, I'll be checking their condition on a daily basis. _Starting today_! So when I call you up, bring the thing." He took a scroll from his pocket.

"Sakura, Sasuke! Please bring your kid up here." He waited for several seconds before realizing neither of them had moved. "What are you waiting for?"

Sakura was gripping the sides of her desk with suppressed fury, while Sasuke sat calmly with his hands folded.

"We don't have it," he said shortly. He could practically feel the anger radiating off of Sakura next to him, and Naruto was shrinking in his seat.

"... What?" asked Jiraiya. Sakura, unable to contain herself any longer, jumped to her feet.

"HINAT-" A hand firmly gripped her arm and yanked her back down, interrupting her speech. She glared at Sasuke, who had stopped her, and he shook his head slightly.

"I wasn't aware it was to be brought to... _class_." Everyone looked at him.

Jiraiya was puzzled. "I thought I made that clear... Ah, I forget how stupid kids are these days. I can tell you now, though, dear Uchiha and wife; leaving your baby by itself at home? Tsk, tsk. Does everyone else have their baby?"

A small fist raised itself in the air.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"U-Um, well, Hinata is sick today..."

A violent bout of coughing erupted from the corner and a certain pink haired kunoichi said, "_Missing in action_!"

__

Action?

Jiriaya thought and grinned, rubbing his hands together.

"-And she still has the baby!" Naruto finished loudly. "So I'll show it to you tommorow!"

"_COUGH, COUGH, BABY-STEALER, COUGHCOUGHCOUGH_!" Naruto flinched.

"Ah well. Next: Neji and Tenten," Jiraiya called in a sing-song voice. Tenten sidled down the rows, carrying her perfect-condition baby. She handed it to Jiraiya, who examined it for bruises, scrapes, etc.

"So far, so good!" He announced. "Next: Ino and Kiba."

Ino turned a sickly shade of green, and looked behind her shoulders at a certian spiky-haired boy.

Shikamaru froze when her eyes caught his. Those piercing blue-ish eyes promised sure castration in days to come. He would have to avoid Ino from now on, as if his manhood depended on it. Ino elbowed Kiba in the ribs.

Shamefully, the boy stood and handed his baby to Jiraiya, who blinked twice at the mutated _thing._

"It's missing an arm," the man was kind enough to point out.

"Um, yeah..."

An awkward pause ensued.

"Alright, um, you can go back to your seat." He took the walk of shame back, avoiding the accusing glares, and hearing the furious scribbling pen that Jiraiya was putting to use on his scroll. Just then, In the outside hall, a pretty new chunin passed by the door.

"I'm gonna go use the bathroom. When I come back I'm collecting essays," Jiraiya said hastily and bolted out the door. Upon his departure a chorus of chattering broke out.

Sakura was furious as she addressed Sasuke. "Why did you stop me from telling him Hinata stole our baby?"

"There's no need to attract any unwanted attention to our problem before we can solve it," he said simply. Sakura snorted, betting her left hand that Naruto had somehow bribed Sasuke into not telling. She shifted her glare to Naruto, who was carefully avoiding her eye. "You! _Come here_."

Naruto whirled around with exaggerated surprise etched in his features. "_Me_?" he said, pointing to himself. Sakura jabbed her thumb towards herself, and Naruto scampered to her.

"_You better get Sasuke Jr. back_! This is ALL your fault! If you didn't lose yours in the first place..."

"SHIKAMARU! YOU ARE DEAD!" A high pitched voice screeched from below them, and they saw some scary blond girl move through the rows like a tidal wave. "IT'S YOUR FAULT MY BABY IS DEMENTED! You should have watched him!" Shikamaru screwed his eyes shut, waiting for the impact.

"Maybe you should have watched it yourself in the first place, you troublesome hag!" He said before he could stop himself. This comment further fueled the rage of the furious girl.

"Yeah, instead of _fooling around _with Kiba at your house!" Sakura snapped, irritated that her rampage on Naruto had been outdone by Ino's own boisterous act. Kiba slid around in his seat with daggers in his eyes.

"Exactly what do you mean, '_fooling around'_?" He asked testily.

"Oh, _please_. I was there when Naruto walked in on you guys, and ran out screaming!" Sakura said, crossing her arms and shooting Ino a triumphant look. However, the blond girl had question marks dancing in her eyes.

"What do you mean..? Me and Kiba were watching the Discovery Channel when Naruto burst in, and he stepped on one of my pin cushions I left on the floor. He slipped backward and ran out, yelling in pain. Why, Sakura? Tell us what you _thought_ we were doing!"

Sakura was gaping at Naruto, who shrugged.

"It's true?" he said. There was a sharp 'thud' and Sakura banged her head onto the table, and stayed there.

"Control your neurotic wife!" Kiba told Sasuke, who edged away from the pinkette, promptly disowning her.

"Hey, Naruto... what happened to your baby, anyway?" Sakura asked dismally, analyzing the blond boy who was twiddling his fingers in a fashion much like Hinata's.

"U-U-Um I r-rather not s-say..."

At that moment, Jiriaya conveniently decided to pop in.

"I'm back! Now, where were we-"

Sakura pointed a slender finger at the man, who ceased speech.

"What is it now, Sakura?" he asked unenthusiastically.

"Jiraiya-Sensei there's something on your face." Jiraiya touched a hand to one of his cheeks.

"Like what?"

"A handprint," Ino pointed out.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever! As I was saying, those who did not participate in the parenting assignment, please hand foward your essays." Suddenly his cheeks glowed red and he appeared to be excited.

"Perfect, perfect, perfect," he muttered as he snatched the stack of papers from Ino's hands. "Now, we're going to read some out loud."

"_What_?" groaned Shikamaru, burying his head in his hands. Jiraiya waved his hands in front of him.

"No, no, not the whole thing. Just your feeble, inadequate-yet-assuredly-revisable attempts at lemon." He cleared his throat and shuffled the essays. "Here's one that looks promising. It's by Lee."

The class groaned collectively, and Lee threw his fist in the air.

"Alright! I spent so much time on my lemon, illustrating the perfect scenario of the process that inhibits reproduction!" He gave everyone a thumbs up.

Jiriaya rubbed his hands together and began to read out loud. "Great! Now let's se...

'_Deflowered, by Rock Lee._

". . . . . . ."

Rock Lee started sobbing, tears streaming from his eyes, touched by his beautiful masterpiece.

Jiraiya twitched.

"What was this...?" he asked. "I... asked for _lemon_."

__

That didn't sound like a sour, yellow fruit to me,

thought Naruto, puzzled.

"Yes! You asked for lemon, a story containing sexual content. In my story, a bumble bee bravely pollinates an asexual flower by spreading it's pollen to-"

"DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP THESE CHILDREN!" Jiraiya cried hysterically. "Get out-just get out!"

"Were you that moved by my lemon?" asked Lee, still crying tears of joy. He stood up, and calmly walked to the door. "I am going to go inform Gai-Sensei about this splendid victory!" They watched as he skipped out the door.

Jiraiya wiped his forehead and shuffled the papers again. "Come on, I need a winner. Chouji this time. Alright, here we go...

__

Delicious, by Chouji.

He looked at the beautiful creature and licked his lips. She was glazed and sweating, her skin looking perfectly delicious. He snatched her fat, slippery flesh and put it in his mouth, devoured it. It was the best ham he ever had in his life, and whoever cooked was a jenius-"

There was the sound of someone vomiting in the back of the class, and Chouji was salivating all over his desk.

"Uh, Tenten, are you alright?" asked Jiraiya. "Honey, he's only talking about a ham. The food! What the hell is this? Don't you know what lemon is?"

"Yeah!" burst out Naruto. "What's wrong with you guys! I could could tell a better lemon off the top of my head!"

"Oh yeah, then why don't you do that!" shouted an enraged Chouji.

"I will." Silence met his words, and Naruto stood up and cleared his throat. His two teammates beside him looked up at him in wonder, and then edged away in embarrassment.

"Here's my lemon!" He proclaimed, and rubbed his chin. "Um... It was juicy, very juicy! And yellow. When the girl bit into it, her whole face twisted 'cause it was really sour-"

"YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT _A _LEMON," Jiraiya screeched. "It's not that kind of lemon, not the fruit!"

"Then what is everyone trying to write about!?" Naruto shouted back, confused.

"I can't stand you kids! Class is dismissed for today! Just get out!" There were some murmurs and whispers, but no one really looked disappointed at the sudden dismissal. Sakura was the first one out the door, and she even forgot to drag Sasuke along with her. Because... She had a baby to go rescue, and a Hyuga to go kick.

I was sweating from a hard day of work... Then I saw you. You looked so delicate and beautiful, I just had to meet you. I could smell your lovely fragrance from where I hovered uncertainly, that sensual lavender smell. Unable to contain myself, I went over to you. You didn't move, just stood there basking in the sun. I couldn't help it, I flew over and landed on top of you! I drank your delicious juices and spread pollun all over your petals. Just like that, I flew away, in search of another. I knew now you were pollunated, and would scatter your seeds that would grow into other flowers, just as beautiful as the one they came from. I was just nature's hardest worker, the bumble bee, doing what I did best."


End file.
